Squeaky brakes
Missing my grandparents
Silly face on a tree stump
One-sided conversations
Chain smoking
Musicals are dead
Twelve o'clock and twelve minutes
Water slide feels like another lifetime
Red shirt and blue jeans
Pile of old photos
Breaking the ice with vulgarity
Little handprints on a mirror
Flat bicycle tire
Sloppy handwriting on sad letters
Getting to be a habit
No sleep, no sleep
Monday, August 31, 2009
Day 12,192
Closed eyes and spinning
Two old phones dead
Cigar box filled to capacity
Ring fingernail annoying
The Beatles are still dead
Chili peppers on a handkerchief
Flame distorted through the glass
Great value drinking
Canceled my subscription
Lost respect for authority
Saw someone afraid of me
Tiny, tiny cheeseburger
Too old to go out clubbing
Balanced on a precipice
Poison book on the table
P. 179 left me broken
Two old phones dead
Cigar box filled to capacity
Ring fingernail annoying
The Beatles are still dead
Chili peppers on a handkerchief
Flame distorted through the glass
Great value drinking
Canceled my subscription
Lost respect for authority
Saw someone afraid of me
Tiny, tiny cheeseburger
Too old to go out clubbing
Balanced on a precipice
Poison book on the table
P. 179 left me broken
This Is Why I'm Stupid
I tried to end my life over a bunch of bullshit I should never have been involved with in the first place
Wisdom comes harshly sometimes, and has no mercy
I knew the potential for disaster from the beginning
But I stepped forward with good intentions and began paving the proverbial road
I will pay dues for my softness and delusion for the rest of my life
My belief and trust are now shadows
Wisdom comes harshly sometimes, and has no mercy
I knew the potential for disaster from the beginning
But I stepped forward with good intentions and began paving the proverbial road
I will pay dues for my softness and delusion for the rest of my life
My belief and trust are now shadows
Sunday, August 30, 2009
It's Quiet
The hum of the air conditioner stops
All I can hear are the crickets
There's a light breeze blowing
It's a comfortable darkness
I miss my true friend(s)
As I write her name with a red marker
All I can hear are the crickets
There's a light breeze blowing
It's a comfortable darkness
I miss my true friend(s)
As I write her name with a red marker
The Healing Mind and Healing Heart
I'm lying in bed this morning thinking about the interesting way my mind and heart were working in tandem through my dreams last night to heal me from my recent traumas. These are my dreams:
1) I'm dreaming of a brief but powerful love affair I had years ago with a non-existent sister of the woman I've recently been involved with. The dissolution of my affair with this current woman is a large part of my trauma. The affair with the created sister feels incredibly real and was good until it too ended abruptly and left me feeling hurt and alone. But as this dream begins, the created sister has returned from where she had gone and we're in the midst of a conversation. My feelings for her are as strong as ever, and we begin to pick up where we left off. She is beautiful, with a very clearly defined face, so I feel like this is someone I've seen or known in my life but my mind won't let me identify her. Interestingly, she has more tattoos than before. I guess I like the rock chicks. I dream that we fall back in love, which causes some controversy with the real woman and those around her, but the created sister never turns her back on her family and chooses to be with me anyway. The dream sort of fades out as we live "happily ever after" and I'm left with such feelings of relief and contentment. This person never existed but I felt every moment I spent with her as though it actually happened. A life and a large patch of time completely fabricated but so convincingly heartfelt that I feel better in some significant ways. I still question if this person was someone I've known or met in my life since she felt so real and whole, and I'm also curious about why she was a sibling of the woman in my recent affair.
2) I'm dreaming I walk into my place of work in the early morning hours on a Sunday. I know it's early because it's still dark outside and for whatever reason I know it's Sunday. In the room next to where I enter I can hear the voice of my friend, whose involvement with my recent love affair is also a large part of my trauma. He seems to be on the phone with someone, talking about the nature of his relationship with the woman. He speaks of why he wants to be with her and how their relationship is defined. Oddly, I can sometimes hear the person he's talking to give their insight and viewpoints. Also in the next room is a co-worker of mine, looking worn and tired from having to come into the office on Sunday. He's doing something work-related in the room with my friend but I'm not sure what. My friend eventually ends his conversation and comes toward me where we almost acknowledge each other and have an exchange, but the moment is gone in a second and he walks past to the back of the office. My co-worker then comes in and we start talking. At this point, I'm jarred awake by my telephone so the dream ends. In reflection, I feel a small satisfied acceptance of my friend and his relationship with this woman between us. Somehow, overhearing his conversation put me in this place, but I wonder what more the dream would've given had my friend and I spoken.
These dreams fascinate me in the way they seem to be rolling out of my subconscious in order to repair emotional damage I feel. Completely out of my hands, and absurdly specific in purpose, despite being such elaborate untruths at times. To me, it's a testament to what powerful and wonderful psychological machines we are. I bow to the healing mind and healing heart.
1) I'm dreaming of a brief but powerful love affair I had years ago with a non-existent sister of the woman I've recently been involved with. The dissolution of my affair with this current woman is a large part of my trauma. The affair with the created sister feels incredibly real and was good until it too ended abruptly and left me feeling hurt and alone. But as this dream begins, the created sister has returned from where she had gone and we're in the midst of a conversation. My feelings for her are as strong as ever, and we begin to pick up where we left off. She is beautiful, with a very clearly defined face, so I feel like this is someone I've seen or known in my life but my mind won't let me identify her. Interestingly, she has more tattoos than before. I guess I like the rock chicks. I dream that we fall back in love, which causes some controversy with the real woman and those around her, but the created sister never turns her back on her family and chooses to be with me anyway. The dream sort of fades out as we live "happily ever after" and I'm left with such feelings of relief and contentment. This person never existed but I felt every moment I spent with her as though it actually happened. A life and a large patch of time completely fabricated but so convincingly heartfelt that I feel better in some significant ways. I still question if this person was someone I've known or met in my life since she felt so real and whole, and I'm also curious about why she was a sibling of the woman in my recent affair.
2) I'm dreaming I walk into my place of work in the early morning hours on a Sunday. I know it's early because it's still dark outside and for whatever reason I know it's Sunday. In the room next to where I enter I can hear the voice of my friend, whose involvement with my recent love affair is also a large part of my trauma. He seems to be on the phone with someone, talking about the nature of his relationship with the woman. He speaks of why he wants to be with her and how their relationship is defined. Oddly, I can sometimes hear the person he's talking to give their insight and viewpoints. Also in the next room is a co-worker of mine, looking worn and tired from having to come into the office on Sunday. He's doing something work-related in the room with my friend but I'm not sure what. My friend eventually ends his conversation and comes toward me where we almost acknowledge each other and have an exchange, but the moment is gone in a second and he walks past to the back of the office. My co-worker then comes in and we start talking. At this point, I'm jarred awake by my telephone so the dream ends. In reflection, I feel a small satisfied acceptance of my friend and his relationship with this woman between us. Somehow, overhearing his conversation put me in this place, but I wonder what more the dream would've given had my friend and I spoken.
These dreams fascinate me in the way they seem to be rolling out of my subconscious in order to repair emotional damage I feel. Completely out of my hands, and absurdly specific in purpose, despite being such elaborate untruths at times. To me, it's a testament to what powerful and wonderful psychological machines we are. I bow to the healing mind and healing heart.
Friday, August 28, 2009
Dead Alive
I leaned back in the chair and watched the clouds move past the stars
The cold beer in my hand dripping wet on my knuckles
Thinking about the chances of my survival
I made it through physically to drink and watch and listen
But I think a part of me truly died that night
Through the haze of the pills and the nightmares
Just by making the decision to take that ultimate step
I'm a killer of something that no longer lives in me
And I'm wondering what parts are left
The cold beer in my hand dripping wet on my knuckles
Thinking about the chances of my survival
I made it through physically to drink and watch and listen
But I think a part of me truly died that night
Through the haze of the pills and the nightmares
Just by making the decision to take that ultimate step
I'm a killer of something that no longer lives in me
And I'm wondering what parts are left
I Saw This In 360 Degrees
A small boy with jet black hair and yellow eyes with pupils like pins
Toiling feverishly on a work bench in front of him
The room is steel and patterned with rivets
Dents and scratch marks cover every inch of every wall
He's excited, at times grinning with perfectly white shark-like teeth
His project is nearly complete and he can't wait for you to see it
Toiling feverishly on a work bench in front of him
The room is steel and patterned with rivets
Dents and scratch marks cover every inch of every wall
He's excited, at times grinning with perfectly white shark-like teeth
His project is nearly complete and he can't wait for you to see it
Old Stuff: Must've Been A Love Poem
I must represent a lot of things for you.
Probably good, probably bad.
I feel like I'm coming from a selfish place when I say a lot of the things I say.
Or text, I don't get to hear your voice that often anymore.
I'm on a roller coaster ride inside, with a devil's curve and a demon's drop.
The force of the twists and turns are grinding my guts.
I want to vomit out the doubt and disappointment but the ipecac ain't working.
There's reasons, I know it, but your actions betray all the cool things you say.
And it makes me believe that it's hopeless.
But the light dances for you and helps you shine so bright.
I let it in, even though I don't like to, and it's warm.
I miss that.
It's a special thing to find and embrace a beautiful woman.
To feel her life and smell her scent and know that this is what it's all about.
You have a life in you that breaks me in two.
And don't get me started on Baby.
Probably good, probably bad.
I feel like I'm coming from a selfish place when I say a lot of the things I say.
Or text, I don't get to hear your voice that often anymore.
I'm on a roller coaster ride inside, with a devil's curve and a demon's drop.
The force of the twists and turns are grinding my guts.
I want to vomit out the doubt and disappointment but the ipecac ain't working.
There's reasons, I know it, but your actions betray all the cool things you say.
And it makes me believe that it's hopeless.
But the light dances for you and helps you shine so bright.
I let it in, even though I don't like to, and it's warm.
I miss that.
It's a special thing to find and embrace a beautiful woman.
To feel her life and smell her scent and know that this is what it's all about.
You have a life in you that breaks me in two.
And don't get me started on Baby.
My Four Days In The Detox Ward
A motley crew if ever there were one:
The elderly black transvestite who apparently could cook like a demon
The pregnant mother of two who could've been a model if not for her various drug habits
The angry girl who felt the need to kill someone and constantly complained about leg pain
The aggressive young meth addict who used his phone time to sell stocks and increase his already large fortune
The middle-aged drunk with a fancy red pinky ring who cried and hugged people a lot
The crazy old lady who just made me sad because she looked too frightened to speak
The crazy old man always draped in a blanket who lived for the chance to get snacks
My roommate who did absolutely nothing but sleep and snored like a gargantuan chainsaw
And me, a failed suicide pacing up and down the hallway planning the quickest escape route
The elderly black transvestite who apparently could cook like a demon
The pregnant mother of two who could've been a model if not for her various drug habits
The angry girl who felt the need to kill someone and constantly complained about leg pain
The aggressive young meth addict who used his phone time to sell stocks and increase his already large fortune
The middle-aged drunk with a fancy red pinky ring who cried and hugged people a lot
The crazy old lady who just made me sad because she looked too frightened to speak
The crazy old man always draped in a blanket who lived for the chance to get snacks
My roommate who did absolutely nothing but sleep and snored like a gargantuan chainsaw
And me, a failed suicide pacing up and down the hallway planning the quickest escape route
Late Night Stream
Sitting cross-legged
Wanting a cigarette
Beautiful violin and organ playing
Breathing steadily
In love with nothing and everything
Fingers scratched and forearm bruised
Cold air across my back
Ghosts staring at me sadly
Mirror frame cracked but not broken
Day late and a dollar short
Dreading the coming back to life
Unsure of what to do with the paintings
Left with too many tatters
No ability or thread to sew with
Aging quickly in spurts
Two otters holding hands
Tired eyes but no desire to sleep
Hoping I did the right thing
Mourning the loss
Missing the late nights
Seeing the future as filled with hardship
Alive despite my efforts
Wanting a cigarette
Beautiful violin and organ playing
Breathing steadily
In love with nothing and everything
Fingers scratched and forearm bruised
Cold air across my back
Ghosts staring at me sadly
Mirror frame cracked but not broken
Day late and a dollar short
Dreading the coming back to life
Unsure of what to do with the paintings
Left with too many tatters
No ability or thread to sew with
Aging quickly in spurts
Two otters holding hands
Tired eyes but no desire to sleep
Hoping I did the right thing
Mourning the loss
Missing the late nights
Seeing the future as filled with hardship
Alive despite my efforts
Thursday, August 27, 2009
Untitled
I pounded the arm of the chair
Fighting the fear and the doubt and uncertainty
It felt like my insides were desperate for long witheld freedom
And out it all came,
In waves and shudders and powerful bursts
The need for belief in the just and the selfless
The acceptance of fault and atonement for guilt
All of it mine, all of it more than I could imagine
I know it's the truth and I know it will mark me
This life is a heavy one that brought me to my knees
But I still have this light
And my hope still streams freely
I am proud of this man
Who is fucked up and stumbling
Chin held high in the mirror
I open my arms and my heart to every one of you
These words are your invitation
Fighting the fear and the doubt and uncertainty
It felt like my insides were desperate for long witheld freedom
And out it all came,
In waves and shudders and powerful bursts
The need for belief in the just and the selfless
The acceptance of fault and atonement for guilt
All of it mine, all of it more than I could imagine
I know it's the truth and I know it will mark me
This life is a heavy one that brought me to my knees
But I still have this light
And my hope still streams freely
I am proud of this man
Who is fucked up and stumbling
Chin held high in the mirror
I open my arms and my heart to every one of you
These words are your invitation
Pebbles
It was night and there were three children playing in a pile of pebbles near a brightly illuminated snack machine
They were next to an old building covered in chipped blue paint
The area was lit by lampposts on all four sides of the old place
The children were very young and small
One black, one ginger, and one blonde in pigtails
They were playing with the pebbles as though they'd never seen them before
Every minute or so, a woman in a track suit would jog past the children
Making laps around the old building
The children would laugh and smile at her as she continuously passed them
But everything was silent
They were next to an old building covered in chipped blue paint
The area was lit by lampposts on all four sides of the old place
The children were very young and small
One black, one ginger, and one blonde in pigtails
They were playing with the pebbles as though they'd never seen them before
Every minute or so, a woman in a track suit would jog past the children
Making laps around the old building
The children would laugh and smile at her as she continuously passed them
But everything was silent
Red
My head lay in your lap and I looked up into your shadow-covered face
The sun streaming through your hair
We were spinning, and above you I could see balloons
All shapes and all sizes, bright and blowing around
"Marry me" you said
"No," I replied. "You'd just break my heart."
You smiled and whispered, "I already have."
It was autumn, the leaves were falling, and everywhere was red
The sun streaming through your hair
We were spinning, and above you I could see balloons
All shapes and all sizes, bright and blowing around
"Marry me" you said
"No," I replied. "You'd just break my heart."
You smiled and whispered, "I already have."
It was autumn, the leaves were falling, and everywhere was red
Dog Tired
The insomnia is lurking
Behind tired eyelids, heavy like showbiz curtains
I close them to find my rest
But the mind is still racing and the heart is still pacing
Spinning the events of recent days in a dryer
A big one, like you find in a shitty old laundromat
Loud and clanky, keeping me from sleep
No matter how many times I wash these clothes
The filthy, bloody stains will never come out
Eventually seeping into my skin
And I'll wear the stains like open wounds
For everyone to poke and to prod and stare at
What dreams am I missing?
Will they pass me by?
Please wait for me if you are pleasant and lovely
I've had enough bad dreams for a while
Behind tired eyelids, heavy like showbiz curtains
I close them to find my rest
But the mind is still racing and the heart is still pacing
Spinning the events of recent days in a dryer
A big one, like you find in a shitty old laundromat
Loud and clanky, keeping me from sleep
No matter how many times I wash these clothes
The filthy, bloody stains will never come out
Eventually seeping into my skin
And I'll wear the stains like open wounds
For everyone to poke and to prod and stare at
What dreams am I missing?
Will they pass me by?
Please wait for me if you are pleasant and lovely
I've had enough bad dreams for a while
Wednesday, August 26, 2009
Scorched Earth
Two paths cross in the Holiest of temples
The burden of pain and anger buckling my knees
A laugh of recognition
A snide comment passing between us
All before I lay my burdens down
I appeal to him
Seeking explanation and understanding
He replies with past slights
Relives all my stumbling transgressions
I despair
Make defensive accusations of my own
We spill emotional blood as the people walk among us
Hope for stubborn resolution slowly fading
My eyes become wet
I reach out to him
Wishing to embrace who I once called brother
But that bond is forever broken
A chapter is closed on a book no one's written and
Two strangers walk forward in opposite directions
The burden of pain and anger buckling my knees
A laugh of recognition
A snide comment passing between us
All before I lay my burdens down
I appeal to him
Seeking explanation and understanding
He replies with past slights
Relives all my stumbling transgressions
I despair
Make defensive accusations of my own
We spill emotional blood as the people walk among us
Hope for stubborn resolution slowly fading
My eyes become wet
I reach out to him
Wishing to embrace who I once called brother
But that bond is forever broken
A chapter is closed on a book no one's written and
Two strangers walk forward in opposite directions
Head Down, Hands In My Pockets
I dreamt of walking a long distance in the heavy pouring rain
The cars would splash me carelessly as they sped by
I knew where I was going and I knew the walk was the only way
When I finally made it, it was warm and wooden, and filled with light
And you were there waiting
The cars would splash me carelessly as they sped by
I knew where I was going and I knew the walk was the only way
When I finally made it, it was warm and wooden, and filled with light
And you were there waiting
Tuesday, August 25, 2009
New Life?
My first morning back home after my failed suicide attempt.
It's cold and quiet
They said they found me at my desk, smoking a cigarette
Waiting for the end
97 pills came gushing out of me thanks to the charcoal they make you swallow
Maybe three more would've been the magic number
Many friends came to see me in my hospital bed
As I pissed in a bag and laughed at the lab coats
Even then, I was thinking of the loves and lovers I lost,
Those who wouldn't care if I were dead anyway
To them, I suppose I already am
It's cold and quiet
They said they found me at my desk, smoking a cigarette
Waiting for the end
97 pills came gushing out of me thanks to the charcoal they make you swallow
Maybe three more would've been the magic number
Many friends came to see me in my hospital bed
As I pissed in a bag and laughed at the lab coats
Even then, I was thinking of the loves and lovers I lost,
Those who wouldn't care if I were dead anyway
To them, I suppose I already am
Saturday, August 15, 2009
No Strings Attached
It's all about the freefall
The danger, the risk
The rush of adrenaline
A constant stream of what comes next
Never enough to satiate the unknown hunger
Filling one hole with the dirt of a new one
The field looks like a warzone
Littered with the bodies of broken men
But let the earth deal with the cleanup
There's falling to be done
No time to think about tomorrow
Yesterday will not allow it
Drink and eat and shit and fuck
Anything else is more than asked for
Don't want no love, don't want no questions
The answers are waiting at the crash site
The danger, the risk
The rush of adrenaline
A constant stream of what comes next
Never enough to satiate the unknown hunger
Filling one hole with the dirt of a new one
The field looks like a warzone
Littered with the bodies of broken men
But let the earth deal with the cleanup
There's falling to be done
No time to think about tomorrow
Yesterday will not allow it
Drink and eat and shit and fuck
Anything else is more than asked for
Don't want no love, don't want no questions
The answers are waiting at the crash site
Thursday, August 13, 2009
Tuesday, August 11, 2009
Letting Go
pass this along to them at some point if you can, i've been all over the place today but this is where i ultimately have to be
i'm very angry and hurt terribly but i forgive them and their poor decisions in regards to this thing. i'm sorry if i did things to them that would cause such an apparent distaste for me, as i cared for them both deeply. this way, they're free of any negative influence i've had on their lives, and i will most assuredly be the same. and i'm sorry for saying hurtful things in the heat of it all, as this is an emotional road i've never been on. keep in mind i still think it's incredibly wrong and sad that neither of them could have the maturity to come to me with how they felt about any of it, but that's how it is. i'm walking away from this with my heart and mind clean because i know that's the better way. i still hope to never see them again since the wound will be open for a while, but they can live their lives in peace as far i'm concerned. i want to believe WE'RE ALL BETTER THAN THIS so i'm taking steps to be so.
Shawn
i'm very angry and hurt terribly but i forgive them and their poor decisions in regards to this thing. i'm sorry if i did things to them that would cause such an apparent distaste for me, as i cared for them both deeply. this way, they're free of any negative influence i've had on their lives, and i will most assuredly be the same. and i'm sorry for saying hurtful things in the heat of it all, as this is an emotional road i've never been on. keep in mind i still think it's incredibly wrong and sad that neither of them could have the maturity to come to me with how they felt about any of it, but that's how it is. i'm walking away from this with my heart and mind clean because i know that's the better way. i still hope to never see them again since the wound will be open for a while, but they can live their lives in peace as far i'm concerned. i want to believe WE'RE ALL BETTER THAN THIS so i'm taking steps to be so.
Shawn
Monday, August 10, 2009
Sunday, August 9, 2009
The Art of Dying
It's been a day of epic betrayal for me. Two people who I loved have proven to me today that my love for them means nothing, and have left me in the dust of what they now feel is more important. It has been completely shocking and heart-breaking, and sadly predictable. I have little left to feel right now, as the scale of it all is almost too much for my mind to contain. It's a level of deceit and underhandedness I'm unaccustomed to up close. I fear it may have broken my spirit.
Thursday, August 6, 2009
The Thing That Never Was
The night is pitch and I sit and I sit and I sit
Wondering where it all went wrong
I fell to my knees and laid out all I had left
Humbled and wanting
From my open wounds she pulled out the precious black heart
And she squeezed it, she squeezed it, she squeezed it,
Slowly and gently 'till it popped like a ripe tomato
"I don't know why," she said as she looked away from me
My blood still dripping from her hand,
"But I don't love you anymore."
With one last look she turned and was gone
And I bled, and I bled, and I bled
Until I was dry and empty, a husk of meat and bone
Light as a feather, but heavier than any scale could measure
She wanted to go so I let her
Far from the things I wanted to give
And now I sleep, I sleep, I sleep
Wondering where it all went wrong
I fell to my knees and laid out all I had left
Humbled and wanting
From my open wounds she pulled out the precious black heart
And she squeezed it, she squeezed it, she squeezed it,
Slowly and gently 'till it popped like a ripe tomato
"I don't know why," she said as she looked away from me
My blood still dripping from her hand,
"But I don't love you anymore."
With one last look she turned and was gone
And I bled, and I bled, and I bled
Until I was dry and empty, a husk of meat and bone
Light as a feather, but heavier than any scale could measure
She wanted to go so I let her
Far from the things I wanted to give
And now I sleep, I sleep, I sleep
Monday, August 3, 2009
Grudges seem to be a theme
Like looking into a mirror
Seeing things in front of me and places I've yet to go
The somber solitude
The search for answers and failed attempts at love
Forgiveness is divine, they say
Maybe so, and it is much easier
To leave the past behind and swim through the deep unknown
Even at my darkest, I believe I'll find you there
Holding back with all your might
The little things that make the music play
A smile
A touch
A piece of you, that brought me to your door
Nothing lasts forever, and some things never really start
But I'm glad to know you, whoever you are
Seeing things in front of me and places I've yet to go
The somber solitude
The search for answers and failed attempts at love
Forgiveness is divine, they say
Maybe so, and it is much easier
To leave the past behind and swim through the deep unknown
Even at my darkest, I believe I'll find you there
Holding back with all your might
The little things that make the music play
A smile
A touch
A piece of you, that brought me to your door
Nothing lasts forever, and some things never really start
But I'm glad to know you, whoever you are
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